If I could get that time for one more day, If I could turn back time ..
( Twice in a day but I’m sorry I just have to put it up here )
Being lonely and sitting alone, locked up in a room, crying over things you wish did not happen , is a big part of anxiety and yes, I do have that. Here I’m typing through since I do not have anyone to talk to about all these so why not here? When I sit alone sometimes ( EVERYTIME ) some very negative thoughts invade my mind and provoke me, although I’m not a negative person generally. But sometimes … it just gets too much. The burden of all these thoughts pull together and dumped at the same place again and again forms a lava which blasts out as tears, meaningful tears even if they are not shown in front of others. Tears which burn as they go down every nerve that runs through your body , damaging the co-ordination of your brain and soul.
I’ve been always a lonely kid from the very beginning. I never had siblings and wherever I moved, I found no other children of my age.. all either very elder or very younger to me. Besides, my mummy and daddy were always very busy as i grew up , in their work. They’d leave home in the morning and return only late evenings. This is why I could never actually master the ‘art’ of being comfortable around people and share all that I’ feeling. I CAN NEVER!
Well , being a teenager now I’m always being surrounded by friends in school . However , I’m always the odd one out not being able to talk up to their levels. I just can’t talk like they do. I’m always the one keeping quiet and putting up a smile .. sitting in one corner when there’s a group talking about some random stuff.
In addition to this, I think the very thing that has lasted its effect on me is the loss of someone very VERY important in my life. It’s very hard to cope up with death for me . Something very weird and painful happens to me whenever I hear anyone, literally anyone’s death. For instance I LITERALLY sat and cried my veins out when i heard that Alan Rickman and ( recently ) Christina Grimmie died . It’s just instantaneous for me. I don’t have any control over it. The death of others scare me like there’s no tomorrow. Moreover , don’t they say that what you do not wish ever happens, happens to you the most ? Oh yeah, I’ve been a victim of that having lost the most important person of my life . However , when this horrible event took place in my life i did not realize that, that person is this important in my life but as six bloody years passed by , trust me I’ve known this on every step I took.
Losing a person in your life is like losing a part of your own soul. Its like some one has ripped apart a part of your heart and thrown it somewhere where ashes can’t be found. This hole in the heart can never be filled anything/ anyone else. Having cried over and over again on the same old missing thing and never being able to recover from that is like a disease which you carry throughout, as long as you’re breathing. The stain that they leave you of their love , you adore. The time that they marked as memories, you cherish. The scar they left you as they disappeared, burn the cells of your body .
Putting up a lovely smile everyday in front of people and showing off your ( fake ) beautiful life from outside doesn’t make it any better , does it?